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Why, I don't know if I'm ready to be a leader yet.

     I just went off. I went off. It wasn't one of those ALL CAPS "I'm angry at you, here is an ultimatum!!!" messages, it was just a cleanly written ".. I get it if you don't want to contribute, but if you don't want to work and be a part of this project and do your own thing, then let me know now..." kind of posts that compares him to the other team member who is doing his work, and I realized that I made a huge mistake. I can't hold them to my standards of perfection, because after all it was just a small project for 9th grad french class. So when I suggest video game and 2 tag alongs want to join me I do what any person would do let them and teach them along the way by giving them tasks to do while I do what I do to save time and become efficient and get this game out before the project deadline. So I work like 10+ hours busting my ass on personal time to code, model, and prepare this game for his song, and his simple skybox, and that doesn't happen I got a little angry especially when the person in charge of doing the skybox asks to do a collage instead. That's when I snapped, because I just got a little mad when I put so much time into something, then that person doesn't do that one thing that you asked of him. I'm in a high school for god's sake.
     Why do I make myself stressed and overwork just to make a presentation that nobody will give a shit for, because the kid who drew a stick figure portrait of his family tree will get the same grade as I do. Why is that people in the world are considered 'control freaks' when really all they are trying to do is their best, and try to get out their team's best. Why do I just realize now who I'am, I'am a hard worker not a leader, because good leaders don't give tough love ultimatums to their friends and workers do they? I've been in my own mindset for so long trying to become better, learn from mistakes, and make better and better projects than before and grow as an artist that I've shrunk as a person. My social skills are in a way deteriorating, because I've grew too fast for my own good. I think I might just need to cool down, ignore my work and enjoy spring break like every other teenager on this planet and not try to make my classroom a game studio, although its hard to do, because nobody gives or acknowledges how much work it is to make games in this society, in this school. They just play them and either like or dislike them without knowing or caring to know the struggle behind that piece of software. We make it look so easy, but it isn't. It takes hard workers, and dedicated artists.
      When I grow up I want to become some sort of advocate, or a writer for PC GAMER, or KOTAKU, or some other gaming publication who actually knows what it takes to make these technical masterpieces and not just give a stupid ignorant opinion that could potentially destroy these hard working dev's lives. I'm just venting, and I really do feel bad for taking a leadership position on the project, because I was the one doing the most work, that I didn't even have to do; I just do it because its second nature. I learned from this mistake to work alone if I'm going to push myself, and when I work together with someone I need to know that we are on the same page, otherwise it could go bad, and if I'am going to work with people not on the same page, then I'll just work on what is expected of me from the leader nothing more. This mind vomit of an essay, is well just mind vomit, so consider it, or not.
     I kind of find it weird that I wrote like 3 essays in the past 5 hours, what?! Anyway, maybe I'll be a writer, maybe I'll be a full time dev, or maybe I can just shut up and try to be an average teenager with no clue of his identity and role in life. Sounds like fun, or wait... What if I'm doing just that right now? Because I'm feeling a little too philosophical to be a teenager, like I'm looking backwards as an old man in his midlife crisis. I guess that's what hard work does to a person. Turns them into cynical, idealistic people who lose faith in humanity. I guess I should think of things not so depressing. Anyhow its 9:40 and its 40 minutes past my bed time, so I'm going to silently click the publish button and sneak back into bed before my parents get mad. Good Night!

P.S: If you are reading this 'person' know that I'am really, really sorry, and it may have not even mattered that much to you, but you are a nice laid back person and I just got carried away.
P.SS: TOTAL MIND VOMIT

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