PEOPLE LIKE SHIT GAMES
Ain't that the truth...
I can say this, because I have made many quick shitty games based on ips that were not mine and generally awful web browser based things. For the past three years it can be noticed that my games get better and better over time in terms of quality, and yet the actual player base shrinks. Games are meant to be played, yes... but I'd still make them regardless if nobody ever payed any attention to them at all; it would be a sad existence, and when I pass all I could hope is that people finally look at my games for what they were. I'm not suicidal by any means, I would never be; I'm just
dramatic an artist. However I feel like I want to kill off and hide my earlier work just to give my new work a chance. I don't want to be recognized for some shit title I released when I was in the 8th grade, I want to be remembered and known for what I consider is the best of my work.
I NEED VALIDATION, and as awful as that sounds it's the truth, it's a human need, but for me especially that's what makes me happy. Even if I was the most successful game developer, I'd probably still need validation, but I don't want to need it, or crave it. Little meaningless analytics on who plays it and what they thought, even if they hated it, still shows me that they looked at it which makes my day. And I'm a bit of a hypocrite when silently judging people whom get mad when nobody likes their facebook shit, but that's them expressing themselves (even though it may not be meaningful or have any value whatsoever and is some stupid reblog... besides the point), I'm complaining how my earlier work that is obvious shit, is overshadowing my good work Acceler8tion which in my opinion is the most polished and overall good game of mine on the internet with a well edited and complete dev vlog with a launch trailer and the source code online for anyone to learn from... I've put the most work into it than any other game, with the exception to Awkward(Which you can expect more of in the future). It's gotten hardly any plays other than my own.
Again, I'll always make games. No matter how much the video games themselves, art in itself is draining me... I'll still make them. Why did I even blame my own video games for my personal entropy?! It's the easiest target, and it's what I love most. It's the audience, or lack thereof. No matter what, I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied, and that scares the shit out of me. Even if the validation is real from someone who's opinion I care about, it comes off empty. They can't be telling the truth, they aren't in my shoes, when will the work actually pay off? And I don't have that answer. I'm taking all the right steps forward, yet with each one I feel that something is going to go wrong. That I'm not good enough for this, for making everything, for doing what an adult developer does on my own. I'm just a teenager... that's all I'am right now, and trying to be professional, an adult... it's overwhelming.
I'm overwhelmed, and it's not because it's finals week. I could care less about my grades, because college is just another four years of school. And as it is I'm not very fond of school, I love education, I love learning, I love experimenting, but I hate schools. I'm overwhelmed because too much progress is being made to compensate for none at all, I'm getting things done, finishing things, tying up loose ends, and getting just a few hours of actual sleep every night. And I should know, I keep a "dream journal" (Awkward) and track my sleep. This isn't healthy, so why do we do it. Do we as developers continue to do it, because we love games, hate games, or hate ourselves? It's all three if you didn't know. Making games isn't easy, and when one singular person does it alone with nobody to bounce ideas, or just have support... it's... it gets more and more tiring.
So enjoy your shitty gamejolt five nights at freddy's demakes and game pages whom's game doesn't even exist in a playable form, because I won't make them anymore. I won't do as many jams, unless I need a new project or idea, but all good game developers will never run out of them. This was angsty, this was stream of consciousness as many of the things I write here are, but it's real... it's what I'm feeling at this precise moment right now, and if someone knows the solution for the love of god, please tell me.
Update: My parents are worried about me not eating, and I'm not anorexic or anything. I'm just not hungry, so what if I skipped a meal and maybe almost two. I'll eat eventually, just busy... that's all.